if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
You dont lie about slip and slides
foreskin is a definite game changer
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
