Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
