Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
