She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
The beer is more important than you right now.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
