I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
