Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
