We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Blood and glitter go together right?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Randomize
