Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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