We're like a lot better than the average bears
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
My ATM looks so different sober.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
