so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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