Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
