my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
