Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
