I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
