My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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