for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Houston, we have a squirter
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
