I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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