so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Randomize
