my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
