im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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