Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
