Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
