I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
