I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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