So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
