this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
You are the jesus of drinking
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
