In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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