I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
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