so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
