Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
