allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
