The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
We were destined to go to rehab together
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
