If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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