I wanna bring you to show and tell
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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