I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
