How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
