Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
We have so much sex to catch up on
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
