i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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