apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
