I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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