According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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