he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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