I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
