I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I checked into jail on foursquare
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
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