I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
