Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
