I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
