i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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