I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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