I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
