Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
