woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I intend to get homeless drunk
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
